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Joke of the Day

"DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male's efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain [me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]"

"I saw two priests eating dinner the other day... ... didn't know if I should send them a bottle of wine or an altar boy."

"Girl at bar: My kids are my world!! Me: Then why are you out drinking??"

"I keep my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. Easy! It's right next to the sage."

"Budweiser is like sex on the beach... It's fucking close to water"

"What's better, Google or Yahoo? Let's Google it."

"My mom: Asians are some of the safest people in the world... Me: There are asian gangs too My mom: And they're called study groups!"

"My wife's a terrible cook, she can never get her sauces right! But I've stuck with her, through thick and thin."

"What do Grateful Dead fans say when they run out if weed? Who's playing this Shit?"

"5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away? Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather. 5-year-old: Me: 5-year-old: Mom?"