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Joke of the Day

"Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter."

"How do you know when it's time to get a new dishwasher? When the old one expects you to ""do your share"""

"GENIE: you have three wishes ME: make math go away GENIE: ha ok that one's on the house ME: oh so I still get three wishes? GENIE: huh?"

"A local nightclub held a special ladies night for double amputees. The place was crawling with pussy."

"Fee Fie Foe Fum What is Fee Fie Foe Fum Fum Foe Fie Fee? Mike Tyson's inmate number."

"What holds the moon up? Moonbeams."

"I have a joke that will make you look stupid. Oh. I see you have already heard it."

"Arnold Schwarzenegger is a Republican whose wife is a member of the Kennedy family. That makes him and his family...The Red Kennedys."

"And now the most difficult task known to man: Quickly boarding a plane, stowing your carry-on, and sitting the fuck down."

"I'm sorry I punched you in the face when you said ""I love you"". Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister."