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Joke of the Day

"Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter."

"What do you call an anorexic with thrush? A quarter pounder with cheese"

"Why did the tomato turn red It saw the salad dressing."

"My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot... ...It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away."

"If you stand for nothing you'll fall for anyone who offers you a chair because standing is fucking exhausting."

"Today my 6yo said it was good it's snowing, as that means the earth isn't getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News."

"Back in the day, I took $5 to the store and came out with.. 3 bags of chips, a pack of snickers, 2 bottles of coke, a newspaper and a bottle of whisky. And today? CCTVs everywhere!"

"What is the difference between Snow White and Brazil? Snow White had the excuse of being asleep before letting seven in."

"I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids"

"MOM: Story time ME: Yay! MOM: it's called ""The Little Engine that Could, but doesn't cuz he's a little shit that won't move out"" ME: mom?"