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Joke of the Day

"Today my 6yo said it was good it's snowing, as that means the earth isn't getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News."

"Top Five Creepy Things: 5) Dark and stormy nights 4) Spiders 3) Cars with eyelashes 2) Decaf drinkers 1) People who take one bite of cake"

"What is Pitbull's favorite restaurant? Jason's Dale!"

"Gas is so fracking expensive these days."

"I am a Renaissance Man in the sense that I'll probably die young of a horrible disease while great discoveries are made around me."

"And on Good Friday, I'm once again reminded that I'm a lonely virgin. Even Jesus got nailed today."

"I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say 'totes adorbz'"

"What you can get with 57 000? A home for a refugee. Or a shit ton of beer"

"Water leak. No water for 2 days. Then the plumber cut the cable line. No internet. No TV. 2 stinky teenagers. Send wine and bail money."

"If a cougar is a woman who likes younger boys... then a man who likes younger boys must be a Nittany lion!"