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Joke of the Day

"[Dentist's] Me: *lying back with mouth full of cotton wool* Dentist: So what do you do? Equipment trolley 3ft away: I'm a ventriloquist"

"""I'm so hungry, I could eat a human baby."" Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned ""Corn-fed organic of course, I'm not a monster."""

"The only time I want the carpet to match the drapes is when I'm dating a bald headed girl."

"The lifeguard caught me peeing in the pool, today. He shouted so loud I nearly fell in."

"An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!... But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!"

"I've been dating a homeless women recently, and i think its getting serious. She asked me to move out with her."

"Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you're nuts."

"At my funeral, I want them to play ""Thriller"" and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing. (wins at death)"

"Why is CoD like women? Search and Destroy."

"A couple of letters drove out to the desert and took all their clothes off. They were arrested by the sands sheriff."