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Joke of the Day

"The only time I want the carpet to match the drapes is when I'm dating a bald headed girl."

"I just punched what I thought was a paparazzi with a long lens. It was an old man with a wheat bread sub. Sorry."

"I'm not paranoid, but I feel like there's someone reading this..."

"What's the official title for the Poopsmith's boss? We feel like we have the best two answers, and there's disagreement over who's is best."

"A cop stops a guy for speeding and he tells him:"" I had a feeling I'll give a fine today, so I waited for you here all day ."" ""Sorry , but I came as fast as I could!"""

"I like my men like I like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer"

"Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes: Please stop. Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women. Love, M"

"The scene in lady and the tramp but as our lips meet I carry on sucking. You feel the pasta travel back up your throat. My pasta My. Pasta"

"Japan's Woman Soccer Team"

"ME: i'm nervous WIFE: don't be. just be confident [later] BOSS: so do you think you'd be right for the job ME: *confidently* no"