1110

Joke of the Day

"have to stop saying ""how am i going to kill my way out of this one"" everytime there is trouble going on, or at least not out loud"

"I was trying to trick someone into getting the new Windows But they saw right through me"

"I want my funeral to be 20 consecutive moments of silence followed by a first-time bugler playing taps."

"What do you call two obese lesbians who are about to turn in for the night? Bedward ScissorHams"

"[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife's underwear] But that means... [Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]"

"I'm not saying you're fat, but you should consider having CPR instructions tattooed on your chest."

"Wife: ""I saw a huge owl on my way home. Almost hit it with my car."" Me: ""Wow!"" Wife: ""Sorry, the correct response is 'O RLY?'"""

"What do you call a greedy marsupial? A kangajew"

"I can wake up at random intervals, crying and hungry too, so fuck you babies."

"STAGES OF DRUNK: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don't wake up the cows."