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Joke of the Day

"There are 2 kinds of people: 1) Happy morning people 2) Cranky morning people that fantasize about killing the happy morning people"

"Naming my daughter ""A Relationship"" so I don't have to worry about punks wanting to be in her."

"I'll always remember Granddad's last words to me... ""WHAT'RE YOU DOING IN HERE WITH THAT HAMMER?"""

"I don't think I could ever fall in love with a midget... I don't think I could ever fall in love with a midget. But I guess it's better to fall in love with a small person, than not a tall."

"Boss: You're fired Me: No YOU'RE fired Boss: No Me: Yeah Boss: *starts sweating*"

"My wife said, compared to a lot of girls out here, that I'm lucky to have her. I said ""Yeah? Maybe, but I'll do my own research thank you""."

"How can you tell when a wine connoisseur is happy? They have a semillon!"

"Your girlfriend should never be jealous of another woman. Instead, you should do your best to make other women jealous of her."

"A friend of mine is a dyslexic agnostic insomniac. an he stays up all night wondering if there is a dog."

"Is it sad that the plans I make after work depend on how much charge I have left in my phone battery?"