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Joke of the Day

"Your girlfriend should never be jealous of another woman. Instead, you should do your best to make other women jealous of her."

"[torturing terrorist] [plays EDM] [beat rises] [beat keeps rising] [beat rises endlessly] Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I'LL TELL U ANYTHING"

"Those Essex Girls Whats the difference between a plat of spaghetti and an Essex girl The plate of spaghetti moves when you eat it!"

"Why Heisenberg didn't have any kids the second he found the position he lost the momentum, when he got momentum he couldn't find the position."

"What did the Mexican guy say when the two houses fell on him? Get off me homes."

"{Stalker Diary} I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night."

"Mom wants me to have a baby girl with blonde hair and blue eyes.And I want a sane mother who isn't oblivious to my Italian bloodline."

"Beyonce should have her own trampoline company."

"Hey movie villains - make a bomb where the wires are all one color."

"My penis was in the guinness book of world records! And then the librarian told me to take it out"