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Joke of the Day
"What do you call two siblings that take your money? Fine brothers"
Next Joke
"What's Chris Martin's favorite drink? Apple Martini"
"If you enjoy arguing about lunches at 6 AM I can't recommend parenting highly enough."
"One day I'm probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die."
"Did you hear about that guy who was crushed by his Honda? Police say he died of his own Accord."
"What fruit can't get married? CANTELOPE"
"good news Craig, we got your murder charge bumped down to theft. just tell us why you stole that dude's blood/bones"
"* Falls down rock face * Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely * Slowly reaches for pocket * Pulls out phone * Checks twitter notifications"
"Give me the best quality TV commercial I can get for $47! -Attorneys"
"I would've been an actor, but I was afraid of being cast as the idiot that throws his gun when he runs out of bullets."