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Joke of the Day

"""I love you. I'd do anything for you."" -let me see your phone real quick ""You're smothering me. I need some space"""

"When do you use duct tape on a duck? When he's quacked."

"Did you hear about the guy who got his whole left side cut off? It's OK. He's all right now."

"Harambe walks into a bar. Bartender: What will you be having to drink? Harambe: I'll have just ice. Bartender: Just ice? Me: Yes, justice for Harambe."

"Me: Goodnight Moon. Moon: Don't ""Goodnight"" me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?"

"What did the German air force eat for breakfast during WW2? Luftwaffles"

"""I hope these bad jokes distract you from the fact you're getting screwed."" - Car insurance commercials"

"I'm trying to figure out which iPhone to buy. The black one runs faster, but the white one actually works."

"The five second rule doesn't apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping."

"How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? It's some obscure number.. You've probably never heard of it"