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Joke of the Day

"Me: Goodnight Moon. Moon: Don't ""Goodnight"" me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?"

"Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He drank the coffee before it was cool."

"Have you ever had sex whilst camping? ...It's fuckin' in*tents*!!!"

"How to tell an Irishman from a Scotsman on St. Patrick's day? One wants to stay drunk all the time and the other doesn't want to pay the tab."

"when i die use my ashes to fill souvenir snowglobes to mimic the death rain of the apocalypse pouring down on a vacant cityscape. very metal"

"How does Jesus like his hotwings? Tinder and Mild."

"Where do Italian gangsters come from? The spaghetto"

"Don't worry, people who are sick of political tweets, every horror movies needs a few ""Nah, it's nothing"" types to raise the body count."

"I like to think of myself as a humble man. Actually, I just like to think of myself."

"Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers but I was actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn't wanna share."