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Joke of the Day

"[sees cute girl at the bar] ok it's go time [makes accidental eye contact with her while pumping myself up with some lunges] dammit. abort"

"Noah: A boat? God: Yes. Noah: Two of every animal? God: Yes. Noah: I have a better idea. God: What. Noah: Maybe don't kill everyone."

"You guys hear about that new broom that came out? It's sweeping the nation!"

"What is the difference between a Boy Scout and a Jew? The Boy Scout came back from camp."

"Me: *pets dog* Dog: Ruff Me: *pets dog* Dog: Ruff Me: *pets dog* Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can't you moisturize?"

"Secret To Comedy Guy 1: Hey! Ask me ""What is is the secret to comedy?"" Guy 2: Okay ... What is the sec- Guy 1: TIMING!!! sorry if it sucks"

"What is the ardent task of searching for a new wallpaper called? Running a Backgroud Check."

"Cw: you have a call holding M: put it in my voicemail Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent M: hiiii this is Jennifer"

"Did ya hear about the Mexican who kept washing his dog? They were spic and spaniel"

"What drinking game is Hillary Clinton best at? Flip Cup (coin)"