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Joke of the Day

"""It helps knowing that everyone else will die with me if we crash."" ~my 11yo on why she's not afraid to fly unaccompanied"

"I hate guitarists... They're so picky."

"If I don't make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die. - the lady in front of me"

"I've spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can't find his nuggets."

"I hate my job at the crematorium But at last I urn a paycheck."

"What's the difference between Santa Claus and Harry Potter? Santa would never free an elf."

"So a foreign exchange student asks me: ""Is the word ""ee-ther"" or ""eye-ther?"" I told them it was either."

"Wow I never thought you'd agree to go out with me *starts car, Whitesnake is playing at full volume*"

"Putin and Medvedev go to a hooker. The hooker is sucking Putin off and Medvedev is fucking her from behind. Medvedev: Should we swap? Putin: Sure, you can swap."

"I once swore in an elevator. It was wrong on so many levels."