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Joke of the Day

"[sits next to friend in a coma, holding her hand] ""Squeeze once if that's an 8 at the end of your HBO Go password."""

"What do you get when you cross Paris Hilton with Iggy Azalea? A horribly depraved piece of human garbage."

"Nothing like listening to old school rap on the way to the office to make you want to smack a bitch."

"Why doesn't Russia import water buffalo? Because they already have Moscow."

"On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings."

"What is long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night? A new last name."

"Q: How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo? A: Write 'pp espressivo'."

"How do you kiss a florist? With tulips."

"The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie."

"How do you have sex with a vegetable? Ask if they want to-mate-O."