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Joke of the Day

"Before you pride yourself on being a big fish, make sure you're not swimming in a puddle."

"Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate."

"A rather bold robber... Broke into the local police department and stole all of their toilets. Cops report that they have nothing to go on."

"*catches son swearing through sign language* ""We don't use that language in this house"" *hands him hand sanitizer* ""You know what to do"""

"""my favorite bon jovi song? oh its definitely the one where it sounds like a computer is trying to talk while burping"""

"It's World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that."

"Why do horses have such a low divorce rate? Because they're all in *stable* relationships!"

"I thought my Haitian friend was finally going to show me zombies... but it was actually just 'some bees'"

"Me: Who ate all the cookies? 5-year-old: Ninjas. Me: I didn't see them. 5-year-old: No one ever does. Checkmate."

"I met a girl the other night. She really had something... I think it was AIDS."