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Joke of the Day
"I just spent two weeks in Vegas looking for my wife's killer... but no one would do it."
Next Joke
"Knock knock Who's there? Yo mama Yo mama who? Yo mama so old she invented knock knock jokes"
"MAGICIAN: think of a card! ME: ok. MAGICIAN: is... this ur card? [holds up card that says ""UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP""] ME: holy crap"
"The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he's hungry."
"What's the difference between your job and your wife? Your job fucking sucks"
"Watch The Walking Dead with someone who's super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, ""Wait, who's this now?"""
"Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do."
"knock knock joke knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock who's there? fibonacci"
"Listening to your wife is like reading iTunes' user agreement... ... you don't understand anything, but you still agree with it."
"WHAT DO WE WANT?! Follow-up questions! WHEN DO WE WANT IT? OH HELL YEAH THAT'S THE STUFF"