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Joke of the Day

"Ryan Lochte's first draft of his apology statement... ""Hi guys, my bad. Apologies to the people of Argentina. Jeah!"""

"I asked my mom something really stupid. I asked her to calm down."

"Alsation: How did you find the fleas? Beagle: I didn't! They found me!"

"Just want to thank my mailman for delivering my recycling directly to my house."

"""Doctor! Doctor! I think I may have Alzheimers!"" ""We had this discussion last week, Mr. Smith."""

"Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it'd be nice to receive food through a slot in my door."

"What do you call a Halal pie? Allah mode."

"FARMER: Who raided my vegetable patch? PIGLET: Beets me!"

"Chuck Norris graduated Summa Cum Laude at Harvard after only 1 class."

"What fruit fits best in your palm? a palm-agranate!"