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Joke of the Day

"After last nights performance you've really got to feel sorry for goalkeeper Julio Cesar... The last time i saw a brazilian facing that many shots he was jumping a ticket barrier at stockwell."

"It sucks that bowtie pasta is the only edible formal wear my grocery store carries."

"What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes *whack*, ""Darn!"" A skydiver goes ""Darn!"" *whack*"

"Can't believe it's 2012 and still possible for me to cut myself shaving."

"In 1466, Dracula started eating 16-year-old virgins. In 2015, he died of starvation."

"Drank 3 shots of espresso and can now feel every part of my skin at once AMA"

"Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago."

"What do reddit and Playboy magazine have in common? No one actually reads the articles."

"Why did the hipster never catch a fish? Because he didn't go in the mainstream"

"If you believe in God, yet you can't believe it's not butter, then your faith needs to get its damn priorities straight."