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Joke of the Day

"I'm proud say you will never guess who has been sober for 10 years. Ted Kennedy."

"I'll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I'm trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks"

"What dairy product is the most revered? Swiss cheese, after all it's the holeist!"

"Don't you just hate it when you BP red wine on a white tablecloth? [New verb. Make it so.]"

"Stupid millennials. Always on their phones. Always doing chatsnaps. Always being born into a world where ownership determines everything."

"Some guy just stole my wallet. He's now the poorest man in town."

"A joke my kid told me today. Him: dad guess who is the smallest family in the world? Me: I don't know, who? Him: the atoms family. Not bad for 7 years old."

"I can build and fix small engines using only vomit, feces and rotted animals. Due to my gross motor skills."

"Being engaged Daddy what does being engaged mean? Son It's like getting a bike for Christmas but not being able to ride it til Easter."

"What is the difference between chicken and blondes ? The chicken knows on whose eggs sitting ."