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Joke of the Day

"In order to prepare for the future, I'm going to practice wearing adult diapers. But only when I'm drinking."

"I like my beer how i like my violence Domestic"

"I'm in one of those moods that only a virgin sacrifice will appease."

"What did the dyslexic kid say to his parents at Christmas? I love Satan"

"[Therapist appt.] Hub: She doesn't have her priorities straight. *Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* ""That's not true"""

"First people said ""Myspace"" me. Now everyone says ""Facebook"" me. I'm sticking with a classic and still telling people to ""blow"" me."

"Winter's coming so I'm knitting you a muffler. What size is your mouth?"

"[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?"

"Miss Piggy can be a such a hamful to deal with"

"Might I integrate your curves tonight?"