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Joke of the Day

"Ever been in the shower, already late, when you feel that colorectal peristaltic action and think ""Damnit, I don't have time for this shit!"""

"A man arrives home and was absolutely delighted when he saw that someone had stolen every single lamp from his house"

"[Oldie but goodie] The three stages of a married couple's sex life Tri weekly, try weekly and try weakly."

"What do you call tension in the percussion section? Druma"

"I'm not racist because... I'm not a racist because racism is a crime, And crime is for blacks."

"Want to hear a joke about potassium? K. I was gonna tell a joke about sodium but then I was like, Na."

"Ted Cruz, according to the news, IS planning THat Either cruZ Or his aDminIstrAtion will be Compiling their documents to maKe a IntegraL poLitical announcemEnt this afteRnoon [hope you can decrypt it]"

"""Hey honey"" *drags a cigarette* ""have you ever"" *drinks some scotch* ""slept with a guy"" *sucks a lollipop* ""with three arms?"""

"Working on my new book, ""How to Get Through Life Without Reading."""

"I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground ...so I threw my fries on the ground too."