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Joke of the Day

"My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I'm not sure if I'm going to bed, or to Walmart."

"Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assalted."

"Don't worry, the right someone is out there for everyone. You'll probably never find them, or fuck it up when you do, but they're out there."

"Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water Waiter: No problem, I'll get you a new one Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports"

"How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb? Apparently more than 5, because my basement is still dark."

"My doctor told me to start killing people. Well, not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing!"

"All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh... But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme."

"7yo: MOMMA DO YOU THINK YOU'LL EVER GET A 6-PACK OR ARE YOU JUST GONNA BE FAT Me: *slowly shreds Pokemon cards w/out breaking eye contact*"

"The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. - Pets"

"What did Amelia Earhart learn? Triplane fuel can't melt sea beams."