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Joke of the Day

"What is big, yellow and eats rocks? A BIG YELLOW ROCK-EATER!!"

"They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn't land on her feet and now I'm in jail for murder."

".@petco None of the pets I purchase from you shrug and say ""It's a living"" when I use them in place of household appliances."

"Did you hear about the physicist who moonlighted as a romance novelist? He wrote complete works of friction."

"After the Heimlich maneuver what's the best way to stop someone from choking? To pull it out."

"When you walk into a store buying sexual necessities... New Ariana Grande CD: 18 Tub of Vaseline: 3 XL Box of Tissues: 2 The look of disgust on the cashier's face as you pay: Priceless"

"Girl are you a prescription from my doctor 'cause you might be good for me but I can't read you at all."

"Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as ""not Bruce Willis"" and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling"

"Teller: Why did the blonde move to L.A.? Blonde: I don't know. Why? Teller: It was easier to spell. Blonde: Easier than what?"

"Subway really has helped Jared transform himself Ever since he starting eating it he's been able to get into smaller and smaller pants."