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Joke of the Day

"Theres this one word I always stumble on when I try to remember it.... oh yeah, the word is forget."

"Women don't consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them."

"Joke of the day Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say. Doctor: Next please!"

"Every time I use a public bathroom, one thought occurs...""Seriously? This many people have Sharpies on them at all times?"""

"When my doctor told me that I am able to astral project at night... ... I was beside myself"

"We get it, painters: you love naked women and bowls of fruit."

"What do you call a Russian bovine made out of small flowerless plants? A moss-cow"

"Someone just caught me picking my nose at a stop light. Had to just cut my losses and run the red light."

"Honey, look what I found on our son's computer *opens folder of walkthroughs, wife starts sobbing* I'm calling the police"

"[Deathbed Confession] I wish I'd listened to my girlfriend more often. Especially as I crossed the road after she yelled BUS."