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Joke of the Day

"ME: I'm gonna plug my Twitter handle. WIFE: Please don't. ME: I'm gonna do it *walks to the microphone in front of the funeral*"

"What do you call a Sasquatch that is never on time? Not Yeti"

"Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we're done. Me handing him my boxers: I'm in a rush. Just wring these out."

"Q: What's the book of socially prominent monsters? A: The Book of who's Boo."

"Go ahead lady, call the cops. I have witnesses that say your toddler started it."

"The Energizer Bunny was recently arrested. He was charged with battery."

"{Kid's bday party} Me: Where's the cake? Mom of kid: We don't believe in sugar. Me: I promise it's real. I've seen it with my own eyes."

"churches should have punch cards and if you go ten times you get a free sandwich"

"Did you read about the skeleton trapped in the freezer? It was a bone-chilling story."

"""You're the Garbage Man, eh? What's your super power?"" ""I'm just here to take out the trash."" ""Whoa, we'll get to your catch phrase later."""