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Joke of the Day

"I love spending my Sundays sat watching the F1. My wife thinks I'm going f*cking mental though, just sitting there staring at the top left of my keyboard for several hours at a time."

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"[1st Row at Beyonce Concert] Beyonce: Who run da world?! *points mic at me* ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] ...squirrels?"
"My dad is stupid. He thinks a fjord is a Norwegian motor car."
"I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said -Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?- -Yes officer but I wasn't going to be out that long.-"
"A Hydrogen atom walks into a bar... ...and asks for a shot. Bartender, ""what's the occasion?"" Atom, ""I think I lost an electron."" Bartender, ""you sure?"" Atom, ""I'm positive."""
"hey Liam Neeson is your ""particular set of skills"" gettin shit stolen from you, like, always ?"
"Typical mexico..."
"There are two kinds of people that I hate... 1.) Those who can never seem to form a complete thought."
"The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist's hands in my mouth today. #survivor"
"I'm trying to give up sexual innuendos, but it's so hard..."