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Joke of the Day

"Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions."

"Why is Saturn like your balls?? Because it is in between jupeter an your anus."

"How do you know when it's NotTheOnion? When they're still running pieces on Hillary Clinton."

"If I were a waitress, I'd be planting fake engagement rings in every girl's food, just to see their boyfriends panic."

"I challenge you to a battle of wits at high noon! Do you accept? Yes you say?! Well consider yourself mentally challenged."

"Just blew my nose so hard that it got down on one knee & proposed."

"My dentist said that bacon and soda works the same as toothpaste. Friends have said she prolly meant baking soda....but I disagree. "

"I was gonna make a joke about Alzheimers.. ..but I forgot what it was."

"[inventing the parrot] HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU"

"I recently came into a lot of money. The bank teller wasn't happy about having to use gloves."