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Joke of the Day

"Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny's Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE"

"What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler? Phelps can finish a race"

"I was going to tell a Periodic table joke... ...But they all Argon"

"Parents always loved asking this joke. If a day old ant, takes a week to learn how to walk in a month's time, how many lemons are in a bag of pumpkins? A banana of this colour."

"What do you call a black man that summons the dead? A Nergomancer"

"ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing? PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don't know."

"Mexicans jump the border alone or in pairs... Because there's no trespassing allowed."

"What is the bird synonymous with abstinence The Swallow"

"Took my wife to the doctor today, to try and get her tourettes sorted Turns out that she doesn't have it, and I am actually a cunt and she wants me to fuck off"

"Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren't the best teacher in the school"