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Joke of the Day

"My Fitbit was delivered today. It's still sitting in the mailbox because I don't want to walk all the way out there."

"If an interviewer asks you: ""Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"" say ""I don't know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?"""

"The State of Illinois has just unveiled its new welcome sign... Welcome to Illinois; not ALL of our elected officials have been indicted!"

"Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after ""someone"" threw it on the ground. Finders keepers."

"I shadowed an opthamolologic surgeon today. The experience was really eye opening."

"This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in... *shuffle shuffle* ...hippopotamus."

"Did you hear about the scarecrow that won a nobel prize? They said he was outstanding in his field"

"If I had a nickel for every time I was right and my parents were wrong. . . I would owe more than what America owes China."

"If I give my dog a toy that doesn't make an unbearably annoying noise she looks at me like I have no clue how to do anything right in life."

"What has a bottom at the top? Your legs."