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Joke of the Day

"My blood test results are in today. Now I have to call my ex and tell her that she has high cholesterol."

"Wife: ""you think all that sugar you fed the kids this morning was a wise idea?"" Me: ""why?"" W: M: W: ""they're running along side the car"""

"My doctor told me that I had Eczema on my elbow... I told him that was pretty redundant. Eggs on my on my elbow? So much for that PhD. I just hope it goes away before they hatch..."

"Sometimes a man has needs that can't be fulfilled in the home. [goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]"

"If you're American before you go in the bathroom and American after you leave the bathroom, what are you while you're in the bathroom? European"

"I am a child molester just like my dad was a child molester. He rubbed off on me."

"I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching my license plate before I ran down all the people I hate"

"TIFU by feeding my mogwai after midnight Whoops, wrong sub. By the way, if you see one, just throw it in the microwave for like 45 seconds."

"Remember, if you smoke after sex... ...You're doing it too fast!"

"Behind every great man... ...is a very surprised mother-in-law."