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Joke of the Day

"Walter White decided to buy a pizza for his son Walter: Hey son I bought you a pizza so you can share it with your friends. Flynn: Thanks dad, how much do I owe you? Walter: It's on the house."

"People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat."

"I am quite ambitious every morning. I always do 10 sit-ups, just to hit the snooze button 10 times."

"There are two types of people on the planet... Those who can extrapolate information based upon the given context"

"So I heard a new Pope was elected today... His wife and kids must be so proud!"

"Wife: Have you seen my stilettos? Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No"

"My girlfriend talks to her dog like it's going to talk back. Kind of like when Christians talk to God."

"They say a woman's work is never done that's probably why they get paid less"

"FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don't do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*"

"Tinder announced a new feature this week which gives users 37 gender options to choose from And it's now easier than ever to avoid matching with the mentally unstable"