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Joke of the Day

"""please human with me"" - bear"

"I went to the blacksmiths for a job interview He asked me ""have you ever shoed a horse before?"" I replied ""no, but i told a donkey to fuck off."""

"What Do You Call Two Trains Crossing A Road? A Bad City Planner!"

"If you don't drink... ...then all of your stories suck and end with, ""And then I got home"""

"My girlfriend looked at me with her sexy eyes So, my girlfriend looked at me with her sexy eyes and said, ""I want you to make me scream with only two fingers baby"".... so I poked her in the eyes."

"Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don't use your girlfriend's urine for testing."

"When I see a couple fighting I like to walk up to the one who's more pissed off and whisper ""We can make it look like a suicide"" and wink"

"Today I am the C.E.O of the ""I Don't Give A Sh*t"" Committee........ We Are Hiring"

"Kids are much like ________, they__________."

"Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*"