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Joke of the Day

"When I see a couple fighting I like to walk up to the one who's more pissed off and whisper ""We can make it look like a suicide"" and wink"

"How did Jared lose all that weight eating at Subway? He just ordered off the children's menu."

"What is a cat's favorite color? Purrple"

"Stop saying ""There's plenty of fish in the sea."" I'm sick of fish seducing all our human women!"

"Donald Trump managed to build his wall and kept the mexicans out. Now he has a new target for extinction: Ladders, ropes, shovels, airplanes..."

"A man walks into a bar and yells, ""All Lawyers are assholes!"" Someone at the bar stands up and says, ""I take offense to that."" ""Why? Are you a lawyer?"" ""No. I'm an asshole."""

"My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can't love her back. It's nice when problems resolve themselves."

"How can you tell if a black girl is pregnant? You stick a chicken wing up her vagina and it comes out clean."

"In a public restroom I found a sign that read ""THINK"" on the mirror above the sink so I labelled the soap dispenser ""THOAP"" to match with it"

"I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer: I saw it through my telescope last night."