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Joke of the Day

"I got a dog and named it ""Twenty Miles"". This way I can tell people that I walk twenty miles everyday."

"Anybody else always feel at least a little panic when their 6 says he ""really needs scissors, like right now!""?"

"Go to Starbucks. Tell them your name is Dad. Hide in the crowd. Listen as the hipster barista says ""Dad?..Dad?..DAD?..DAD?!"" & starts crying"

"I hate being a depressed atheist. Nothing to live for. Nothing to die for."

"How many calories do you get from eating pussy? It depends on which way she wipes her ass."

"Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he's 47"

"This question is only for the fellas: You ever kick back in your man cave and think about what a strong feminist ally you are?"

"I'm afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement."

"#ItsTheEndOfTheWorldAnd I'm going to run with scissors and swim immediately after eating!!!"

"I basically have 3 hairstyles... Straight. Wavy. Homeless."