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Joke of the Day

"What the hell is this REstraining Order?!? I never even got a Straining Order? I'm gonna go over to her house and sort this out."

"My editor told me I need to be more pithy, so I booked an appointment with a urologist."

"What is the definition of a good farmer? A man outstanding in his field."

"I show sines of addiction to trigonometry..."

"You know that photo of yourself you really fucking hate, it'll look great to you in ten years time so don't delete that shit."

"What do I think about my toes? They couldn't be further from my mind."

"Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now."

"I think OJ Simpson should be on Dancing with the Stars... I have a funny feeling he really knows how to cut a rug."

"[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month] Me: not all men are like that"

"I sure do feel a shitload more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym."