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Joke of the Day

"I am going to make millions when I finally finish developing this iPhone app that tells you when the traffic light turns green."

"Positive thinking comes in all shapes and sizes at your nearest liquor store..."

"My chemistry teacher went on a camping trip and died... He was exposed to the elements."

"Sorry I yelled 'killin' it' when your mom was eating that banana"

"I just poured out a bottle of Listerine for my homie Steve Buscemi, who we've lost to gingivitis."

"[Romeo and Juliet as turtles] ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath JULIET: I'm just stuck on my back R: we're turtles, Juliet"

"Poop jokes... are the shit."

"What does a light bulb filled with gas?"

"If Facebook really wanted to entertain us, they'd make it a requirement for people to share their ""mental status"" in addition to each new status update."

"[speaking to an attractive lady] ""How can a beautiful girl like you be single?!"" ""Dave, I literally dumped you 5 minutes ago. Please leave"""