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Joke of the Day

"[speaking to an attractive lady] ""How can a beautiful girl like you be single?!"" ""Dave, I literally dumped you 5 minutes ago. Please leave"""

"My girlfriend just walked in and called me gay... If my nails weren't drying I swear to god..."

"The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning."

"Q - Why are bachelors thin, and married men fat? A - Bachelors come home, check to see what's in the fridge, and go to bed. Married men come home, check to see what's in the bed, and go the fridge."

"Knock Knock Who's there ! Aries ! Aries who ? Aries a reason why I talk this way !"

"You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to."

"A retarded kid, chemo patient, and midget walk into a candy store... [And walk out with jawbreakers bigger than their heads!](http://imgur.com/HwGG6mm)"

"What is the difference between a baby and a feminist? The baby grows up and learns to stop crying."

"A prostitute propositions a snowman, ""I can be gentle or dominant. I can be anything you want me to be."" The snowman hands her $20 and says, ""Be a snow blower."""

"Hey guys, just to let you all know I'll be closing my Facebook account in three days... But in four days I'll be explaining why I didn't leave."