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Joke of the Day

"Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you're not microwave-safe."

"If a girl texts you back ""k"" check all your previous messages to see where you fu*ked up."

"Positive thinking comes in all shapes and sizes at your nearest liquor store..."

"What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear. The other's a **great** year."

"How do you tell the difference between a factory worker, and a chemist? Ask them to pronounce 'unionized'"

"Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day..."

"I love you more... - Darling, I feel that you love football more than me. - Honey, but I love you more than hockey."

"So I recently came into a large sum of money... ...and then the cashier wouldn't accept it."

"i like when people call cheap liquor ""rot gut"", implying that more expensive liquors wont also ravage their guts with harsh chemical solvent"

"Did you hear about the cannibal who cloned himself to see what he would taste like? It made him shit himself."