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Joke of the Day

"*UFO attacks* Govt: It's a weather balloon. *UFO destroys Eiffel Tower* Govt: Weather balloon. *UFO conquers Earth* Govt: Weather balloon."

"If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack."

"DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is- MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG? DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there."

"DENTIST: Been flossing? ME: Yup D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time"

"? Hey there Delilah, what's it like when u go grazing I know u said you're not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing Did u just moo ?"

"I swear if my memory gets any worse, I'll be able to plan my own surprise party."

"TIL I am bad at reposting at the right subreddits"

"Never trust a dog to watch your food."

"Two muffins were in an oven. One says to the other, ""Damn, it's hot in here."" The other one says, ""Holy shit! A talking muffin!"""

"What's the most privileged fish? A Great White shark."