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Joke of the Day

"I like my women how I like my coffee. Ground up, packed in zip lock bags and stored in the freezer."

"[Pick Up Line] Is someone calling me, Or are you just that beautiful. Because Something Is vibrating in my Pocket..."

"it's impossible to own two weiner dogs because that's a paradachshund"

"Interviewer: ""Your resume says you have a bad memory."" Me: ""I said that?"""

"I go in bars in a suit & tie, drink all night & write tweets down in a notebook. They're not quite sure if I'm the district manager or not."

"The best part of finishing a long piece of writing is when the laptop hits your talentless loser foot as you boot it off a roof."

"What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One's a slimy, scum-sucking bottom feeder, and the other is delicious dipped in batter and deep-fried. *-Hannibal Lecter*"

"Finish this thought A man lands on his driveway, gets out of his spaceship, enters his home to find..."

"Is it ok if i touch the paintings i have poor eyesight. also i have to have BBQ sauce on my hands because of religion"

"Carlsberg don't do Alzheimer's ... ... but they do make exceedingly good cakes."