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Joke of the Day

"I duct taped a stick to the front of the lawn mower today so I could feel like I was riding a majestic unicorn that eats grass super fast."

"ELI5 How easy is it to get into watching NETFLIX... ...when I haven't even seen NETFL**I** - NETFL**VIII**"

"Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can't eat this! Him: Does it matter that much? Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?"

"What did the groundhog's trainer tell him before the Olympics? Gopher gold."

"Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don't enjoy life."

"Cats get a pass bc they're ""Cleaning themselves"". Dogs are like, Hey! I can reach this?!?!"

"""Don't make me regret this."" -things I think when accepting a friend request."

"At my age, a ""stiffy"" is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning."

"Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too far out"

"Obama: joe can you please explain all the cheetos that are in the kitchen Biden: I didn't want Trump to feel- Obama: Joe, Biden: ...lonely"