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Joke of the Day
"I put more effort into making it look like I'm doing my job than I do doing my actual job."
Next Joke
"My kid just randomly recited my wife's cell phone number that we had no idea he knew. Now we're getting fitted for suits and hitting Vegas."
"And on the third day, Jesus came back. Because he accidentally left one of his edge trimmers in my backyard."
"I made homemade soup with the immersion blender, mostly so that I have something to talk about for the next five days."
"Remember to make some bad decisions today. 20 years from now that's all you'll have to make your kids think you're cool."
"The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we've already surrendered."
"What is a buddhist's favorite pizza? One with everything"
"Want to hear a joke about Hillary Clinton's emails? [deleted]"
"[watches you eat my bday cake] ""I've poisoned that."" ""Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?"" [leans in & winks] ""Poison."""
"Statistically, 1 in 5 of The Jackson's are Randy."