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Joke of the Day

"Today, I'm going to open up the time capsule I made when I was a kid... I can't wait to see how big my puppy is now!!!!"

"Birthday present A little boy's parents asked what he wanted for his upcoming birthday. The boy thought about it and simply replied ""I wanna watch"" So they let him"

"When things are bad, remember: At least you're not as big an asshole as the guy who invented putting walnuts in chocolate chip cookies."

"Knock Knock Who's there ! Cugat ! Cugat who ? Cugat to love my jokes !"

"My printer just woke from sleep mode with a huge toner."

"When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena ."

"dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver me: *looking* dad: Isn't that a Phillips beside you? me: It says ""Craftsman"" dad: me: Are you crying?"

"Why did the lollipop cross the road? ... Cause it was stuck to the chicken. I heard that on the radio today. I LOLed."

"I hate it when.. I hate it when my black friend disappears in the dark, My white friend in snow, My Chinese friend in sand, And my Middle-Eastern friend in drone strikes."

"What do you call an Italian who has sex with kids? PASTA"