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Joke of the Day

"My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical."

"Stephen Hawking can actually be pretty funny sometimes... But I don't think he's got what it takes to do stand-up."

"[paddling silently along the amazon in 2-man kayak taking in it's beauty] *from behind me* you know they named this after a website"

"Hey baby, can I take your derivative.... So I can lay tangent to those curves."

"So, Pee Wee Herman announced he has converted to Islam He's currently planning a pilgrimage to Mecca Lecca Hi Mecca Hiney Ho."

"Spent the day removing $550,000,000 worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart."

"If any pandas are reading this: neat!"

"Did you hear they're going to print the Daily Mail on A1 sheets? It's pretty big news."

"Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You'd think one of them would ask me what the hell's wrong."

"Me: I'm a confident driver Friend: You almost just ran someone over Me: Confidently tho"