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Joke of the Day

"3YO: MOMMY HELP HELP! ME *throws cat off lap, drops phone, spills coffee on self, runs up stairs, kicks open door* 3YO: I want a snack."

"Why did the ghost go into rehab? He had a problem with boos."

"Just made sweet love to a juicy steak. Being escorted out of the restaurant now."

"I'm told I sleep like a baby. ... I wake up crying every few hours"

"What do you call a wizard that puts people to sleep? Dumblebore"

"What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other needs oinkment"

"What do cats major in college? String theory!!"

"I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup"

"I am born to mixed-race parents ...but my mom preferred the 100 metres."

"Engineers To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, some idiots used a glass that's twice as big than necessary."