94012

Joke of the Day

"a C, an E flat, and a G walk into a bar... the bartender says: sorry, we don't serve minors."

"I was so tired during Hunger Games, I was nodding as much as Phillip Seymour Hoffman"

"Why did Maria Shriver marry Arnold Schwarzenegger? To breed a Kennedy that could take a bullet."

"Me: Dude, back off. You're totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym. H: You do realize I'm your husband, right?"

"Birth Control? Don't kid yourself."

"Getting Old- It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker."

"What do you call a kid with no arms or legs. Names."

"Her: Well, I know I told you that. Me: *closes eyes* Her: What are you doing? Me: Checking for it in my spam folder."

"Just made sweet love to a juicy steak. Being escorted out of the restaurant now."

"The police never think its as funny as you do."