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Joke of the Day

"Do you remember how before social media nobody cared what, where and with whom you ate? Still nobody cares."

"If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it's considered responsible. But if you do that with your gf, it's called ""cheating."""

"Did you hear about the procrastinating dictator? He was stalin."

"A man walks into a psychiatrist ...and says ""Doctor, help me! Im a wigwam and a teepee!"" The doctor says ""Son. Sit down and relax. You're two tents."""

"Look, if you didn't want to go to prison you should've started a war or destroyed the economy. But you downloaded a movie, you felon"

"Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today? Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle."

"Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile."

"Me: You wanna have sex tonight? GF: I'm not in the mood babe. Me: Hold on a second. I'm on the phone."

"Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz Toto: OK but I wouldn't make a song and dance about it Dorothy: [inhaling] Toto: FFS"

"This chick at Walgreens is totally hitting on me. What's your name? What's your address? Do you have any questions for the pharmacist?"