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Joke of the Day

"Him: I love nerd girls Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene? Him: no. not like that."

"Still wake up in a cold sweat thinking about my love note that was passed to the wrong boy in kindergarten."

"""Ughhh! It's raining! My hair and shoes are sooo gonna be ruined!"" -rich people. ""WOOHOOO free shower and car wash!"" -poor people."

"There are 3 types of guys in this world 1) Handsome 2) Lucky 3) Me"

"1886: We invented a car! 1903: We invented a plane! 1969: We went to the moon! ... ... ... ... ... ... 2015: Taco Emoji!"

"I hate it when people compare Freddy Mercury to God. I mean God is great and all but he's no Freddy Mercury"

"What's it like to work in customer service/retail? Imagine there's a race of people called customers. Now imagine you're a huge racist."

"Q: Why does Father Time wear bandages? A: Because day breaks and night falls."

"Officer! That guy threw sodium chloride at me! Police officer: That's a salt!"

"If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She's a keeper!"