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Joke of the Day

"It concerns me as a parent that damn near every Disney movie shows kids if your parents die you'll become royalty and have a great life."

"Like most movies. My uncle showed me big things in his trailer."

"Green smoothies because who has the time or energy to chew 17 cups of spinach/lettuce/kale"

"It's not manslaughter if they chew with their mouth open."

"My phone just filmed a 6 hour documentary about life inside my pocket"

"I've been leaving a dollar in every book I read my entire life for my kids to find when it's my time to go. I'm already up to like 3 bucks."

"So far 42 out of 43 presidents actually ran for office. FDR just kind of rolled himself in there."

"What did the HS principal say when he accidentally got a math substitute to fill in for a chemistry teacher? Whoops, wrong sub."

"Why was the criminal's argumentative essay so good? He had some outstanding warrants."

"ME: here's your bday present! BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won't budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again ME: just open it"