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Joke of the Day

"I finally learned to masturbate without hands! Now I use only one."

"Pretty certain I'm gonna drop down on one knee and propose to the first woman I ever win an argument with..."

"I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance.. ..so I pushed her over."

"[Murderer in the middle of murdering me] Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I'm murdering you I mean really"

"You've got a buttload of good things coming your way... ...and I'm behind you one hundred percent."

"Ever step on a Lego and then kill yourself just to make the pain stop?"

"the only exercise this month ive done is running out of money"

"Could you please tell me what a slightly better alternative to a pokeball is? That'd be great."

"What's accounting? Something Italians learn in preschool."

"Never refer to a woman as a bitch. Instead, refer to her as beautiful. Bitches love being called beautiful."